Ambiguous Ambition: My ex and I still have feelings for each other, but neither of us want to be in a committed relationship right now. We’re both ambitious and want to focus on our own goals, but we still sometimes act like a couple. I’m happy with this situation, but my friends aren’t as supportive. Is this situation normal? Am I doing something wrong?
Love Guru: This is completely normal. Sometimes, taking away the “title” of a relationship can ease the pressure of, well, a relationship. But communicating with each other is important. As long as you are both on the same page in regards to your feelings, your reasons for keeping it casual and your expectations for each other, there is nothing wrong with being an unofficial couple. It’s important to know you’re both in this post-relationship stage for the right reasons: Have you not moved on from each other or do you truly want to continue this companionship? It’s OK to be flexible with your relationship status, but don’t get caught up in things unsaid. Enjoying the bond the two of you share is important, too. It’s 2013, being Facebook official is so overrated. You don’t need to adhere to society’s standards of relationship definitions if you don’t want to. As long as you’re happy, you’re totally allowed to be your independent self and still involved with your ex. Your friends may just be worried about you getting hurt. You should explain to them that you are completely aware of what you’re doing. Ultimately, you only have to answer to yourself. If you and your ex are happy, that’s all that matters. Rock on.
Compassion’s Cross Fire: My friend and housemate has been dating her boyfriend for a little more than seven months now. She seems happy, but unfortunately for the rest of the girls occupying the house, the guy lives with his parents and six other family members. So naturally he’s always visiting (not to mention he’s quite a bit younger than her). If he were a fun or engaging boyfriend we could all befriend and watch movies with, this wouldn’t be an issue. But he’s awkward, unmotivated, shy and recently started staying in the house while she was away at school. They are nearly inseparable, so we never see her without him anymore. How do we politely tell our roommate
her boyfriend makes us uncomfortable without sounding judgmental?
Love Guru: If the relationship were fresher, I’d remind you that young love is exciting, so forgive your roommate for forgetting her place as a friend and housemate. But this couple’s had time to establish and unless it’s what you signed up for, coexisting with her could negatively affect your friendship and create an unpleasant atmosphere and tension within the house. In order to pry the couple apart, schedule a strictly ladies homemade dinner night with your roommates. Mention how nice it is to have just her wonderful self around, or make a joke about the unusually high estrogen levels and a need for chocolate. Approach her gingerly and with understanding, for your roommate could perceive this confrontation as an intervention and become defensive.
One approach many college students can relate to is a monetary, utilitarian one: You’ve got bills to pay. If he’s showering at the house, using electricity normally conserved while the roommates attend class and harnessing your bandwidth to the extent that you can’t enjoy a nightly Netflix comatose unbuffered, it’s reasonable of you to ask your roommate to limit her boyfriend’s visitation. Agree on times of minimal interference. If you spend most of your weekends out and about, but prefer a quiet house to study in during the week, settle on weekend visits with around one school night a week. She might respond to the confrontation proactively. Perhaps she’s unaware of how his presence alters the hominess of the environment and will make more conscientious efforts to either better acquaint the boyfriend or make girl time. Or she could lash out, accuse you of being her mother and stop coming around. If the latter is her reaction, it seems your roommate is more interested in using your dwelling as a hotel than a home. Just remember that living with others is a matter of accommodation. If she’s unwilling, she doesn’t value your friendship–embrace the opportunity to find someone
that does.
Distance Dilemma: My boyfriend’s leaving next semester to study abroad. I tried a long- distance relationship in the past when an ex went to a different school and it didn’t work. It’s not like I have the money to visit him, either. I’m afraid a gap will form between us if we spend all that time apart. What should I do?
Love Guru: The difference between now and then is the time and the assurance that he’ll return. The first relationship didn’t work because the change was permanent. People need to see the horizon in order to have hope. Surviving through a few months without being in physical contact can be eased. First, understand that with modern technology, staying connected is easier than ever. Grab a webcam if you don’t already own one and make a promise to talk with each other face-to-face at a certain time every few days. Talk about everything, not just special moments in your day.
Next, realize that you should let him have time to himself so he can fully enjoy the experience. Remember that trust should be given completely once it’s earned. Jealousy and suspicion have no place in a healthy relationship. There may be times when you can’t talk with one another—accept that. You too should take this time to grow. Now’s the time to get closer with friends or to concentrate on a hobby, to help you take your mind off of him and the distance. Don’t be dependent on one another for your own happiness and realize it’s a finite amount of time. The two of you will be back in each other’s arms in
no time.
