Finish the semester strong

by Kenneth Leonard

Listen up, Aztecs. Class is in session and the professor is here to drop some knowledge on your inexperienced asses. There are only a few weeks left in the semester, and I know you can use all the help you can get figuring out your lives. We’ve all been thinking about spring break for the past month and we’re unprepared for the final stretch before summer, right?

Wrong. I haven’t been thinking about spring break. I’ve been thinking about ways to make your life better. Follow these 10 tips and you will be a generally better, less-lame version of yourself.

Step One: Cut a hole in a box.

Wait a minute. Wrong list. My bad.

Step One: Sign up for Netflix. I know most of you are reading this and saying, “There are people who don’t have Netflix? In America?” Yeah, those people exist. Shockingly, there are people on this very campus who don’t have access to this most basic, essential first-world service. Get with it already.

Step Two: Quit saying “um” all the time. Watch your confidence swell and grow when you eliminate unnecessary fillers from your speech. Don’t talk like just another moron. Imagine all the job interviews you’re going to have after you graduate. Interviewers sit through hours of dialogue with the lowest common denominator of our society: people who say “um” when they don’t know what else to say. They’re waiting for the verbal Adonis who struts into the boardroom to speak. Speak with conviction and authority—like a boss.

Step Three: Eat more bacon. Do I really need to explain why?

Step Four: Get over your last girlfriend/boyfriend. They weren’t that great. There are better options on this campus. Nobody likes hearing about your last relationship. He/she doesn’t want to get back together with you. Move on and enjoy your life already.

Step Five: Eat Greek yogurt. Only peasants eat regular yogurt anymore. Go get some Chobani and step up your yogurt game. Eating regular yogurt is like driving a 1991 Ford Escort, while nomming on Greek yogurt with some honey and fresh fruit is the yogurt equivalent of rolling up on your taste buds in a Rolls-Royce Phantom Drophead Coupe. Don’t settle for non-baller yogurt.

Step Six: Try to avoid procrastination. I know I just told you to kick back and watch some Netflix while enjoying some premium yogurt, but I didn’t mean to start right this second. If you’ve got important stuff to do, quit putting it off until later. Nobody’s going to carpe this diem for you. You’ve got to take advantage of the time you have, people.

Step Seven: Quit using Internet Explorer, you idiot.

Step Eight: Do your homework. Don’t wait until Sunday night. Actually apply some time to do your dang homework. You’ll show up to class and magically understand everything. People will think you’re a wizard. Professors will literally go home, sit down in the shower, hug their knees to their chests and cry under streaming hot water because someone actually did what they were supposed to do. This is all theoretical, of course. It’s not like I do my homework. I’m too busy watching “Arrested Development” on Netflix while demolishing Greek yogurt like it’s my job. Basically, my life is perfect. But, I digress.

Step Nine: Give a you-know-what. There are aspects of our lives that require a certain level of care and other aspects that do not. Learn what truly matters and don’t waste your time with stuff that doesn’t improve the quality of your life, which leads to…

Step 10: Don’t worry about what other people think of you. This is a two-part step. The first part is realizing how little other people really matter when it comes to determining who and what you are. Only you get to have the final say when it comes to your life, and that’s a good thing. The second part to this step is grasping the fact that you are not necessarily a beautiful and unique snowflake. You don’t have to worry about being some perfect or idealized version of anything. Just be you. You’re just another person who is trying to get by in this crazy, weird world. Take some pressure off yourself and relax knowing there are a million other people out there who are just like you, with literally identical attributes in every way imaginable. This, too, is a good thing. It lets you know you’re not ever really alone and that it’s totally normal to just be you, whatever that may be.

Now, apply this 10-step program and watch your life get way better. Even if you only stop procrastinating or start eating more bacon, you’ll thank me later.