Oh, summer. I already long for you and miss you so. Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Well, you already are one, so that was pretty easy.
School may have already started, but who am I kidding? This is San Diego for crying out loud—every day feels like summer. Officially, summer has ended, for Labor Day has come and gone and wearing white is no longer an option for the next eight months.
Several monumental events occurred this past summer. On June 5, the recently discovered fossil species, Archicebus achilles, was described as the oldest known primate. On July 1, Croatia became the 28th member of the European Union. And on Aug. 25 I wept openly like a little school girl as ‘N Sync reunited for a heavenly 110 seconds at the MTV Video Music Awards.
I’ll admit it: I’m a pop-culture junkie and I need my daily fix of celebrity gossip. Kind of like how Lorelai Gilmore always needs her coffee or how Elvis desperately needed a laxative.
With my addiction confessed, it’s only fitting that I take you down memory lane and look back at all of the best pop-culture moments throughout these past three months. So chill out, max and relax all cool, here are the hottest happenings and infamous incidents of Summer 2013.
[dropcap]1[/dropcap] Oh Miley, Miley, Miley. Just hearing your name alone evokes so many emotions. There’s an old episode of “America’s Next Top Model” where during an elimination round Tyra Banks goes certifiably nuts and screeches at a wannabe model when she begins to talk over Tyra. Tyra exclaims, “Be quiet! What’s wrong with you? Stop it! I have never in my life yelled at a girl like this. When my mother yells like this it’s because she loves me. I was rooting for you, we were all rooting for you! How dare you! Learn something from this!”
This exact dialogue is what I want to have with Miley Cyrus, as I’m simultaneously force-feeding her a cheeseburger and dressing her in one of those head-to-toe bathing suits from 1922. Her VMA performance was, to put it lightly, a no-holds-barred, circus freak show, complete with oversized dancing bears, Cyrus motorboating a large black woman’s butt cheeks and ultimately, ending with the pop star performing lewd acts with a foam finger that I’m pretty sure are banned in at least 27 countries. OK Miley, we get it—you’re no longer Hannah Montana. You’re a woman now. You’re growing up. But please, for America’s sake, could you just leave your tongue in your mouth while you do it?
[dropcap]2[/dropcap] If Miley was the music queen of Summer 2013, then the crown for all-mighty music king would have to be placed upon the head of Robin Thicke. His song of the summer, “Blurred Lines,” not only peaked to No. 1 in 14 countries, but it is the longest-running No. 1 single of 2013, staying 12 weeks at the top of the charts. I’m conflicted when it comes to this song. It’s like that boyfriend of yours that you’re not sure if you should stay with because you’ve been fighting a lot, and he’s really not that right for you, but oh my god, his tush—you really do love his tush, so you keep prolonging the breakup more and more. The song is sexy, sultry and extremely catchy, so it makes sense that people love it. But it does contain various misogynistic and downright uncomfortable to listen to lyrics. Furthermore, the music video features topless models dancing and strutting their stuff, while the three fully-clothed men (Thicke, along with T.I. and Pharrell) sing and barely move an inch. They ogle at the women as if they were the cheeseburgers I was feeding Miley Cyrus. Mr. Thicke, for your next single, do you think you could make the song a little less, oh I don’t know … rapey?
[dropcap]3[/dropcap] On July 22, England’s Duchess of Cambridge gave birth to a healthy 8 lbs., 6 oz. baby boy named George Alexander Louis.
“Isn’t that fascinating?” no American said this summer. The real baby that made headlines belongs to America’s royal family, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West. Out popped a baby girl and they named her North West. She’s a human compass …
Wouldn’t it be amazing if George and North grew up and became a couple? I hate when people misuse the word “literally,” but if that scenario were to happen, my body would literally implode from the amount of celebrity gossip transpiring.
[dropcap]4[/dropcap] “Breaking Bad” is back. The final season returned to TV this summer and I have never been more excited for any one event in my entire life. If I was legally allowed to marry this TV show, I would be at city hall before you could say, “Science, bitch!” I am going to stop talking now though because I too was once a “Breaking Bad” beginner and I do not want to spoil anything for anyone who has not caught up with all of the seasons. You’re welcome.
P.S. Walt dies.
