San Diego State University’s Independent Student Newspaper Since 1913

The Daily Aztec

San Diego State University’s Independent Student Newspaper Since 1913

The Daily Aztec

San Diego State University’s Independent Student Newspaper Since 1913

The Daily Aztec

Gobbling governor games

“Ronald, look at me. Do you know why they pay me what they pay me?”

“Davey, I swear it was just a harmless radio interview. It’s not like I was on television where you could see the sweat on my upper lip. Plus the governor asked me to talk up the Turkey Trot and make it a lot lighter …”

“They pay me because I’m willing to help those in need, and you’re in dire need right now. But I’m not a good Samaritan. I’m the Grim Reaper—the ghost of election day past, present and future, all wrapped into one suit. And you know what I see in your future, Ron?

“The White House?”

“The poor house.”

“Definitely a drop from the White House …”

“You know why the governor likes you, Ron? Don’t even think of saying it’s because of that stupid Rice Krispy Treats recipe of yours. It’s because you’re from the western part of the state and he, regrettably, is not.”

Someone knocked on the door.

“Mr. Isaacs, there’s a call for you.”

“Sam, if you do not close that door right now, I can’t be held accountable for what I do.”

“Sorry to have bothered you, Mr. Isaacs.”

“Now Davey, I just want to be clear on something.”

“No. Shut up, Ron. Right now, you’re on thin ice. The ice is so damn thin it’s already begun to crack. And you? You’re in the middle of a lake, but there are hungry sharks circling you from underneath, waiting and hoping you’re stupid enough to try walking on your own and causing the ice to break open. Unfortunately for them, the fire truck is here and the men are trying to get you out in one piece, but the joke is none of them really care to save you. Regardless if you drown, they’re going to go home, drink some beers and have sex with their wives. Because it’s all part of the job. Is that clear enough for you now, Ron?”

“Well see, the bit about the firemen was a little shaky, but could you clarify? Sharks don’t live in fresh water …”

Sam knocked on the door again.

“Mr. Isaacs, it’s the—”

“Don’t make me liable for murder, Sam!”

Sam closed the door.

“Right. Pay attention Ron. You’re going to go on the record and release a statement. Here it is. Read it, learn it, burn it. Lord knows this place leaks like a sieve.”

“Does it? Because I know a guy who does building contractor work ..”

“God, I pray no one gets the balls to shoot our beloved governor one of these days, because if he dies, then you’re running this state. God help us all.”

“Can I leave now?”

“Absolutely not. You’re going to call The Daily Times and read off that statement right there.”

“See the thing is, if I could have some paper or a pen, I could rewrite it into something a little more ‘me’—wait a minute, you have it in here that we’re canceling the Turkey Trot and you’re firing Louie the French chef?! Davey, it’s one thing to cancel the Turkey Trot, it’s another thing to fire a man for simply …“

“The simple thing would be to fire you right now. But thanks to your verbal slip up, I have a potential public relations crisis.”

Another knock.

“Mr. Isaacs, it’s the Governor.”

“Christ on a crutch. Give me the phone. Sam, make sure the baby over there dials the right number. Yeah, Tom? Uh huh, I’m giving him both barrels right now. Yeah, but see … Tom, with all due respect, I don’t think that’s a smart course of action. The press will have a field day, let me do what you pay me to do, okay? What? No, no there’s no need to be so … alright fine. I’ll deal with it. Good-bye.”

“Sam, get out.”

Davis Isaacs tossed the phone to Ronald, fixing him with the most stoic face possible.

“The Thanksgiving Turkey Trot continues.”

“That’s fantastic! Do I still need to make the call…?”

“Go away, Ron.”

“I’ll be sure to get you that recipe.”

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San Diego State University’s Independent Student Newspaper Since 1913
Gobbling governor games