Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, Pinterest. I hate them all. They have ruined my life. And I can’t stop checking every single platform every 15 minutes … or seconds. I don’t even know why I’m addicted to these platforms, because I see the same posts every time I log on. It’s practically a game by now. Here are the scenarios I experience almost daily:

When I have some downtime at work, or I’m bored during the opening credits of the latest TV show I’m Netflixing, and so, obviously I tap Instagram on my phone to scroll through my friends’ beautifully filtered photos. There’s selfies, Starbucks cups from a creative angle, food, screenshots of quotes (bonus points if its from the Bible), the sunset over the ocean, approximately 15 uses of the hashtag, #blessed or #nofilter. Sigh.

I mean, the only redeeming thing about Instagram is #throwbackthursday because I am so about posting my baby pictures or the ice cream I ate last week.

Sitting down to get some studying done usually means I have Facebook open on my laptop. Scrolling through the myriad of status updates and photos, it’s really just a collection of poorly written monologues and Buzzfeed quizzes.

I don’t even post anything on Facebook anymore, I just use it as a device to creep on people. What do you mean that girl from my sophomore year biology class has a child now? How’s that cute boy from my group project last semester? 45 minutes later, and suddenly I feel like I’ve blacked out and awoken from a coma. Time to clear the mind with some Twitter.

Twitter is probably the most useful of my social media accounts. I follow everything related to my career choice and so basically after every Twitter session, I emerge over-saturated with news and interview tips. I start to panic if I’m on the right career path, or if I’m going to be quizzed on the happenings at the World Cup.

After taking a social media class, I decided I needed to clean up my Twitter act and thus, no more complaints, no more swear words–basically no more anything interesting. It’s all cute little Tweets mentioning how good the food is at whatever restaurant I just ate at or retweets of Hepner Hall photos. At the very least, maybe it will help me get a job? #HireMe?

Then there’s Tumblr. Is anyone even on Tumblr anymore? I recently made a decision I only wanted to be on Tumblr to look at pictures of baby animals, but somehow my dashboard is still cluttered with fandom crossover posts and rants on misogyny. Not that there is anything inherently wrong with either of those things, but I can only see so much fan fiction of Harry Potter participating in the Hunger Games with a sonic screwdriver and Sam Winchester all in the name of defeating the patriarchy. At this stage in my life, I’ve moved from fandoms and feminism to solely needing gifs of puppies. Gifs of puppies are my lifeblood.

Pinterest is definitely more useful to me than Tumblr, but every time I log onto Pinterest I just end up reminded of how broke and hungry I am. Compared to Pinterest, my life is entirely messy and un-perfect. I don’t go to the gym every day, I don’t make my own deodorant and I don’t consume green smoothies. I don’t eat Paleo and to be honest, every time I see a picture of some tasty-looking lettuce captioned “paleo” I get violently angry. Do you pretentious Pinners realize that eating Paleo means being on the caveman diet? Why do we need to eat like cave men? Besides the fact Neanderthals couldn’t drive to their nearest Whole Foods to purchase some organically-grown kale, living in the modern age means we have access to modern things such as chocolate cake and coffee. And I still don’t know what “clean eating” means. And isn’t it sacrilegious for this online community to exist where exercise tips and healthy foods are next to recipes for double fudge brownies? I don’t understand. I just hope when I die, I’m remembered by my Pinterest account because it represents the person I wanted to be: fabulously dressed and constantly DIY-ing.

 Regardless of the despair social media fills me with, it remains to be the cornerstone of my social life. I’d certainly rather have my iPhone and social networking than animal pelts and rocks like my Paleo friends. #Blessed.