I think it’s time we come together and execute a plan to rid our campus of these kooky religious megalomaniacs once and for all. Every time I walk from class to the pub or the pub to class, I see one of these crazies standing around with a sign trying to convince us an insecure sky monster is angry because we aren’t setting enough time aside to tell him how wonderful he is.

This is not an attack on religion, I assure you. I have a relationship with Jesus; we’re just not on speaking terms. With this, it comes down to not enjoying a portion of my day being spent unwillingly harassed about what a terrible person I am. I think I’m a pretty good guy. I don’t kill, steal or cheat and I only lie when the situation calls for it. I’m keeping in line with the majority of the Big Ten.

So I’ve been racking my brain as to how I might persuade these people to take their message elsewhere. I’ve thought about digging into my ‘90s attire and pulling out the “I’m with Stupid” shirt. I’ve also thought about coming as the greased-up deaf guy from Family Guy. I don’t know what that would accomplish, but I think it would be amusing. And I’ve always wanted a reason to cover myself in Crisco.

However, the most effective measure would be showing up with a sign that says, “God may love you, but the Devil loves you more.”

This may seem extreme, but I’ve tried having a conversation with them, and there’s just no reasoning with these people. They’re all certain of one thing though: Their salvation is secure. So why are they so concerned with mine? Are they afraid Heaven won’t be that great unless they get some of the cool kids to come to the party?

And they’re here all the time! Do these people not work? Or worse, is this their work? Sure, if I could get paid to force people to listen to my mindless drivel I would. But I’d at least make an effort to be happy about it.

I guess the principled side of me wants to support people in believing whatever they want, but the logical side of me says if there is a god, it is probably not that angry.

Sidebar, I didn’t say “he” or “she.” We only have hes and shes in an effort to make more hes and shes. I’m fairly certain if there is a god it doesn’t need to do something as mundane as bump uglies to keep the system in order.

Back to the point, I don’t think god would be that pissed. But maybe s/he is. Have you ever noticed anyone who came around with a message of peace and love experience a ghastly and untimely death? Mahatma Gandhi, shot. Martin Luther King Jr., shot. John Lennon, shot. John F. Kennedy, shot.

So maybe these people are insuring a long, healthy life by judging us mercilessly, but it just kind of depresses me to see someone spending so much time upset. Now don’t get the wrong idea, friends. I’m not getting soft on you. Many of you have come to know me well enough to know I don’t really care about anything. Well, anything other than me and everything that affects me more than I like it to.

But, for some odd reason, I’m experiencing these things called “feelings.” It’s awkward and I don’t like it, but I feel for these people. The last person I knew so angry and outspoken was my Irish grandfather. At least he’d be drunk and passed out by noon.

Really, I just want them to go away. I could be more accepting of this if I saw them downtown or visiting Utah. But I pay to be here, and I’d like to be able to make it from point A to point B without dealing with point crazy.

I think, maybe, the answer is not backlash. Maybe harassing these people while they harass us is a step in the wrong direction. I know I might be putting my safety on the line with this, but Gandhi once said “An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.”

Maybe there is a way to make them leave, and leave with smiles on their faces. I think tomorrow I’ll bring them a big bag of free hugs.

—Joe Stewart is a journalism senior and was traumatized at a young age. You probably shouldn’t agree with anything he says. More rants available at thisismejudgingyou.blogspot.com

—The views expressed in this column do not necessarily reflect the opinion of The Daily Aztec.