I’m not sure I can pinpoint the moment it started. I still remember the days, back in middle school, when I would get in line behind my friends and order whatever the person in front of me ordered. Somehow I went from not knowing what I was ordering, let alone drinking, to being a regular known my name and order.

This is my coffee addiction.

All my life I have lived across the street from a Dunkin’ Donuts and Baskin Robbins. Somewhere along the line, I went from ordering donuts or milk shakes to ordering black coffee. Over time I made friends with the people who worked there and the other people ordering. There’s a culture behind coffee. Maybe that’s when it started. I stopped playing sports, I lost that team atmosphere, and so I developed another sort of team, my coffee team.

My high school was in the financial district of New York City. Every street corner back home plays host to a super friendly man inside a coffee cart selling a mean cup of Joe.

My high school also happened to be across the street from a Starbucks. In 2011 I earned my Gold Card. Physical evidence of my addiction. The rules of a Starbucks Gold Card are as follows. Every swipe of the card earns you a star and 30 stars a year allow you to keep gold status for another year, and every 12 stars you receive a free drink or food item. Sometimes when I explain the 30 stars a year part to people they are shocked, they think that is a lot of coffee but to me thats a normal month. Back at the Starbucks by my high school, I knew the names of all of the baristas, I knew their shifts and they knew me. They knew my schedule, my drink and my friends. My senses had become so accustomed to being in the store that less than two minutes after arriving I could tell which roast was being brewed.

Everyday for lunch we were in that store. We had a routine and even a table. Everyday after school you would find a mass of at least 10 teenagers sitting on the heaters of the store. It was a strange group that varied over the four years of high school, but a group of caffeine-addicted friends.

It got to a point that students and teachers alike never had to ask where I was, it was common knowledge that I was in Starbucks. Sort of sick now that I think about it. This specific Starbucks was the setting for all of the drama of senior year, from college acceptances and rejections, to budding and dissolving relationships.

Now let’s switch our thoughts to prom. When you get asked to prom it’s special right? Maybe it’s romantic or funny or done in a way that means something to the two people involved. My prom date, bless his heart, got to Starbucks before me and told the barista to write “Prom?” on my cup when I came in and ordered my drink. As if we needed more evidence that coffee is a large part of who I am, I was asked to prom on a coffee cup.

In college I needed to be sure to find a way to get my coffee fix everyday. I’m not going to lie, when I looked at colleges, I always asked how many coffee shops there were on campus or near by. Luckily, San Diego State has an array of options and San Diego is a city full of delicious coffee houses.

I have even gone out of my way to find the one Dunkin’ Donuts in San Diego. It reminds me of home, and yes, I have made friends with the people there too.

The mental aspect of the addiction is a whole other thing. If I go more than 36 hours without purchasing a coffee from a store of any kind, I begin to feel weak. Yes, my Keurig is wonderful and does its job perfectly, but there is something about going out for a cup of coffee. It is an experience and I have even made friends with the employees of the drive-thru Starbucks near my apartment. Something in my brain believes that the coffee I brew at home is inadequate and that I must purchase a coffee for it to satisfy my addiction.

The mental part of my addiction has recently started causing physical pain. In the past few days I have switched from going for my daily run in the afternoon to going first thing in the morning, before I do anything, even before I have my first cup of coffee. About a mile in to my run I start to get a headache and 10 minutes later I feel exhausted and need to turn back. Part of me thinks that at the one mile mark my brain gets bored and wanders to the thought of a deliciously brewed cup of steaming hot coffee and then creates pain to make me turn back and A) give up running and B) give in to my desire. Whatever the real reason, I end up turning my Keurig on as soon as I get home.

While I’m sure my addiction to coffee is not healthy, I am not looking for help in quitting. My relationship with coffee is demanding and can be expensive, it is dramatic and picky but I love it and wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.