A resemblance to reality

by Bill Crotty

There are a lot of things people want that they can’t have. The reason we can’t get everything we want is because many of our desires are programmed, unrealistic fantasies that, no matter how much we want, we will not get.

Yeah, I’m a really positive thinking individual.

For example: Many men would like to find a girl whose rack would make a Chili’s commercial jealous and a tan the sun could only grin at. Women, I assume, enjoy large muscles, rich husbands and a six-pack.

However, these things are just not the norm. I for one don’t have huge muscles, I’m pretty poor and I know I won’t ever have a six-pack, unless you count the one I am definitely not drinking while I write this. And despite what Victoria’s Secret commercials or those sites you remove from your browsing history may imply, Bernini does not sculpt the average female. Even with a campus as blessed as San Diego State, where we can proudly tout a supposed 2-to-1 women to men ratio, many men will find a way to complain about their potential dating options. This is not because we have a female population that lacks in the attractiveness department, but rather is a result of not yet realizing the difference between what they want and what reality offers.

Because we’re not in some multi-tiered dream state where Leonardo DiCaprio can fly in and save us, we have to learn to live with the many difficulties in life. To name a few: school, bad drivers and incredibly awful TV shows.

School can be fairly agonizing for both children and those of us who assume we’re adults, but really aren’t. This becomes painfully obvious if you have a boisterous nightlife and 8 a.m. exams. Although that can be pretty awful for a few hours, sitting down to type a paper and having spell check tell me I spelled my name wrong is worse. Even more so when it suggests I change my last name to “Crotchy,” a name that I was teased with all through elementary school. Luckily, as we grow older, we move past the name-calling and develop the ability to be complete jerks while driving instead.

Those people who like to speed by everyone who has been waiting to get onto the Interstate 8 off of College Avenue and cut in at the last second are quite the silly bastards. Luckily, with my growth from childhood into the phase of bad driving, I know that I can feel a little better about waiting in the line of cars if I make sure I don’t let anyone cut in front of me. After all, getting home to watch soft-core porn, aka Spartacus, is more important than the rush those other drivers are in.

Speaking of soft-core porn, I recently heard that Victoria’s Secret got rid of a model for being “too skinny.” It’s about damn time — some of that lingerie has more substance to it than the women wearing it, if you discount the silicone-enhanced sections of course. Not that I am against “enhancement,” but let’s be serious here … if this newspaper has more thickness than the width of your torso, grab one of the coupons we publish for something greasy, and go eat it. No, I don’t mean the paper.

I remember the days when looks hardly mattered … as long as you didn’t smell bad or fart too much, a little teasing was the worst thing that happened.

I hated being teased growing up, but I have a one-up on most of the kids I knew in the days of Nickelodeon and Push Pops. The majority of those kids still have not seen a college campus, unless there was one on “Jersey Shore,” which is making me really look forward to one of those high school reunion things, assuming I have a big boy job or lots of money by then. Or both … both would be good.

“Jersey Shore.” It’s that preppy rich kid who couldn’t do long division in grade school. It’s a show that means so many terrible, awful things, but if looked at in the correct light, it can be a positive influence.

I have never watched more than a few minutes of the show, yet I have heard so much about it that I feel like I must have gone into a coma that resulted in memory loss so that I could be born again Jersey-free.

Recently, I stumbled upon a .GIF that showed Snookie getting punched in the face by someone. This two or three-second clip was such a redeeming moment for the show because it said “Hey, there are times when punching a girl in the face is OK — at least if they act anything like this screeching midget.” One blog I ran into while reading about this .GIF even mentioned it as “gender equality,” and I must agree. What guy wouldn’t deserve a solid kick to their No. 1 gunner if they acted anything like Snookie?

The point of all of this is we’re grown-ups now, sort of. So don’t be the name-calling idiot from your childhood, don’t be the person driving like the entire road is yours and for the love of whatever you believe in, don’t take “Jersey Shore” seriously.

-Bill Crotty is an interdisciplinary studies senior

-This column does not necessarily reflect the opinion of The Daily Aztec.