As someone who spent an extraordinarily long time in community college, followed by an extraordinarily long time in this place they call “adult life,” coming to the hallowed halls and sun-filled courtyards of San Diego State this semester has reminded me why we all try so hard to eventually leave college in the first place.
Now that we’re officially finished with the first full month back at school, I’d like to share my list of all the true things about college life that I’d forgotten in my absence.
1. The freshman fifteen is not a joke. It is serious. It is very, very serious.Beware of East Commons and their so-called “healthy options.”
2. Putting money on your print-card for the library may mean surviving on a smaller gas budget, but there’s no way you’re giving up your daily coffee ritual. Keep your priorities straight, bro.
3. There is no right way to make friends in class. That’s what the first day of classes is for, scope out the potential homies or potential nobodies. Everyone is just going to feel very awkward until after midterms. Get used to it.
4. Leggings, leggings, leggings. If I had a dollar for every person I saw wearing black leggings, I could actually pay my tuition. (Back in my day, we wore sweatpants.)
5. Three sequential weeks at the same desk confirms place ownership. If someone takes your spot at anytime after the three week mark, it is within your legal right to Regina-George-glare them into humiliation. Sure there are no name tags, but girl what’s mine is mine.
6. Procrastination has a whole new meaning. Well, the meaning is the same, the demonstration just becomes a little more prolific.
7. Netflix.
8. Bus schedules, student parking and scantrons become a much bigger part of your life than you ever wanted or hoped for. And even worse, paying for a scantron should be illigal. I have more important things to budget into my day, like coffee obviously.
9. People who ask clarifying questions about homework that you’re too lazy or scared to ask are appreciated. People who ask if there will be homework are not.
10. There will always be someone who cares less than you do. Unfortunately, this does not help the curve.
11. Bumming it is always in style. Don’t even bother with the mascara. People on this campus literally do not wear shoes, so major props to the frat bros in full suits.
12. Crying the first day of class will brand you for the rest of the semester by everyone who has figured out how to juggle classes and jobs and transportation like real adults already. Don’t be the person who cries on the first day. Be the person who cries on the second day.
13. People who try having existential discussions before your early morning class have not yet realized that college is just glorified high school and no one cares about their opinion before eight o’clock in the morning. It’s early, and I should be in bed. You are not obligated to talk to them pre-coffee.
14. There is such a thing as “pre-coffee.”
15. Group projects are where teachers send smart kids to die.
16. To the people who send out accurate and detailed Google docs prior to exams, we all sincerly thank you. To the people who copy-paste online exam answers in those Google docs and disqualify all of us, I hope your houseplants all die long and slowly.
17. If you eat in the cafeteria, the cafeteria will eat you. Your soul is precious. Protect it.
18. Everything you learned in high school has no useful purpose in college. Everything you didn’t learn in high school but should have is sitting just beyond the reach of your panic-stricken mind, laughing at you in deep, drawn-out chuckles.
