Let’s face it. College is as much about gaining knowledge and experience as it is about letting go of things: your dependence on your parents, your savings and, most importantly, your virginity (assuming it was previously intact).
So for those of you lucky freshmen – or sophomores or juniors – who are getting ready to enter into the realm of sexual activity, there’s a book that will prepare you for that fateful night.
This bible of sexual conduct, appropriately titled “The Guide To Getting It On!” by Paul Joannides, is quite possibly the most extensive and all-encompassing compilation of coital knowledge, teaching readers about everything sexually imaginable.
It’s “the only sex manual you’ll ever need,” according to Rolling Stone Magazine.
“The Guide To Getting It On!” is a fifth-edition college textbook and a simple read of 792 pages, that includes subjects such as oral sex, orgasm, sadism and masochism and masturbation.
It even comes with a 54-page glossary – which explains the social-sexual meaning behind phrases and words such as “map of tasmania,” “ho cake” and “onanism” – and, everyone’s favorite, illustrations.
Chapter 26, “Losing Your Virginity,” is not only cautionary, as it stresses that “couples can become very, very pregnant from their first time,” but it also gives step-by-step instructions on how to have a successful experience.
From familiarizing yourself with the feeling of intercourse beforehand to extending the experience through the use of “really thick condoms made out of recycled boots,” this chapter is a must-read for anyone thinking of taking that step with their significant other (a decision “The Guide” reminds you to make when “you feel the time is right for losing your virginity”).
Just as important as the chapter about virginity, “Snoring and Gas” answers many questions.
“People with the healthiest diets tend to pass more gas rather than less, but, then again, so do people who drink a lot of beer,” “The Guide” states.
But don’t worry, “The Guide” recommends several options to quiet the thunder and keep your colleagues from calling you “the human crop-duster.”
Gaseous girls and boys should avoid foods they find to be triggers (beans, broccoli or onions) and try Beano, a gas-reducing product that may work for some.
For more experienced and adventurous people, “The Guide” sheds light on particularly liberating acts in Chapter 69, “Sex on the Interstate and In the Woods.”
The section opens with a disclaimer, saying “acts described in this chapter may be illegal or dangerous in many parts of the world, including the United States. ? Goofy Foot Press does not condone nor encourage any acts that might be dangerous or illegal.”
Legalities aside, this chapter is not for the faint of heart. From “the rolling monotone of a Nebraska back road” to “sex on the rail of the Hoover Dam and beyond,” the ideas in this section are to be used when a bed – or kitchen counter or washing machine – isn’t available.
Again, sex behind the wheel and sex in public places is illegal in some states, so “The Guide” recommends calling the state trooper, state police or highway patrol just to be sure.
Other chapters include, “Dirty Word Chapter,” “Gnarly Sex Germs” and “Techno Breasts and Weenie Angst,” all of which contribute to the bugs-to-a-bug-zapper draw of “The Guide.”
“I read and review a lot of sex books in this job,” said Chip Rowe, advice columnist for the Playboy Advisor, “and nearly every one of them is dull, shallow, unimaginative or simply dumb. Once in a while, a straightforward book comes along that presents sex as it should be – fun, fresh, rich and inventive. ‘The Guide To Getting It On!’ is one of the few books about sex that you actually want to sit down and read.”
The moral of the story: Sex – even reading about it – can be fun.
