What began as a little joke between friends has finally germinatedinto a respectable column topic. Perhaps respectableisn’t the proper word, but never mind. The topic? No, not the campuswide problem of girls trying to celebrate “Dress Like a ProstituteDay” all semester long. And no, not the fact that our mascot is apineapple princess and that some people see the mascot issue as thebattle for the soul of San Diego State.
My topic is less divisive than that. It asks: What would happen ifall the nation’s liberals (or at least the noisiest) left thecountry?
The seed for this idea was planted when Alec Baldwin, genius,stammered that he would leave the country if Bush was elected. Well,Alec’s still here, and so is my idea. But instead of a mass-exodus toFrance, how about an island somewhere? Since this is my column, I’llname the island “Liberalia.” This idea comes both from Australia, theland used for dumping British criminal refuse, and from the island inLord of the Flies.
Relax, you who aren’t intelligent enough to recognize comediceffect. This is a satire, and I’m laying it on pretty thick. Sounless you feel this column will turn the entire campus againstliberals, save your letters. Unless you feel your angry,grammatically challenged letters can turn the entire campus againstconservatives.
As our nation’s liberals voluntary filter out, leaving on shipssarcastically named Mayflower, they first decide on their means ofgovernment. Obviously, since the United States’ government wasracist, totalitarian, militaristic and unilateral (which all liberalsare taught in school), its Constitution simply won’t do. Theviolence, they remember their professors saying, is inherent in thesystem.
So, figuring they need only a few overarching principles, theywrite: “1. All people are equal. 2. The highest goal of society isdiversity and tolerance. 3. All truths are equally valid. 4. There isno God, but the worship of gods other than the Judeo-Christian God ispermitted. 5. Individuals are not to be held responsible for theirown actions, unless those actions violate the ideology of Liberalia.6. Judgmentalism is illegal. 7. America is the worst, most wickednation ever to exist. 8. Government exists to provide for ourcitizens’ every need. 9. Government alone gives citizens theirrights. 10. Laws shall be passed only when all citizens support them,unless the views of all citizens are incorrect.”
They also know that laws mean what judges say they do, so there’sno use writing stuff down if they’re only going to change it.
Meanwhile, back in America, people are still getting used to thechanges that have occurred in the media and in the university system.They are finally getting unbiased news, and their children aren’tcoming back from college as oppression-fixated Marxists.
Liberals in Liberalia have finally decided where to get theirmoney: They will sell opium and marijuana. They were also beingsubsidized by China and Cuba for their unabashed anti-Americanism,but drug money would let them support every one of their citizens,cradle to grave.
They decide to add another principle, which they came to loveafter misreading Animal Farm: All people are equal, but due tohistorical oppression some people are more equal than others. Sinceit was impossible to bring equal numbers of all races to Liberalia,the liberals decided to compensate each non-white race for its trialsat the hands of the Great Satan, America.
But soon it is figured out that, since nothing has monetary value(everything is free), these groups will have to be worshiped. Eachethnic group gets a fixed number of days out of the year in which thewhites, the majority, will kowtow to them and serve their every wish.Some groups get whole months, which is great for their self-esteems.
But what about punishments? Everyone knows that punishments aretools of the white, oppressive, racist American male hierarchy, butsome liberals will probably need to be punished, too. Everythingconsidered a crime in America is called an “accident” in Liberalia.That is, everything but intolerance. That crime shall be punished byre-education, or sensitivity training, on a small island off thecoast.
For weeks, months, or years the ethnically, sexually orpolitically insensitive will be beaten and indoctrinated until theyare improved. The island’s jailer, when receiving new prisoners,always hears them cry, “But I’m innocent!” He replies, “I know. Youreally are. This is where the liberals send not the guilty, but thosethey are ashamed of.”
–Benjamin Abel is a social science senior and the senior opinionwriter for The Daily Aztec.
–This column does not necessarily reflect the opinion of TheDaily Aztec. Send e-mail to letters@thedailyaztec.com.Anonymous letters will not be printed — include your full name,major and year in school.
