When I went to the Buick Invitational, I brought along Todd Liss, a golf enthusiast. Todd has been around golf all his life, and I’m an avid people watcher.

So we combined our talents and made a list of the personality types you’ll see at a golf tournament. Enjoy.

@ Subhead: The middle-aged beer-drinking guy

You can actually find this guy at every sporting event, because he hates his wife, his kids and most likely his life in general.

His only friends are $7 beers and $5 hot dogs. And because he is unhappy with everything, there’s no way anyone can impress him. When Tiger Woods is 18 under par after two days, he says things such as “He’s probably on steroids.”

The look: Mustache, beer gut, past event T-shirt and hat.

What he says: “Seven dollars for a beer? That’s ridiculous. I’ll have seven.”

@ Subhead: The clueless

If you’ve ever been dragged to something you didn’t want to attend, you know what this type looks like. There’s a complete lack of understanding stamped across their forehead as they desperately try to entertain themselves.

They’re lost, but oddly, fine with that.

Likely someone in their family (or their significant other) is a golf fan and they’re along for the ride. This leads to them finding other members of their species and congregating on out-of-the-way lawns for hootenannies/picnics.

The look: Vacant stare.

What he says: “What is this line for?”

@ Subhead: The golf enthusiast

This person knows everything about golf. He’s independently wealthy and plays six times a week. He also has enough golf gear that it seems as if he’s been sponsored by TaylorMade.

Because he loves golf so much, he’s lost touch with the real world and therefore buy things such as a portable periscope to help him see the green. He also uses golf distances in everyday life.

The look: Enthusiastic lean toward the green, visor to shield eyes.

What he says: “The car’s about a nine-iron away.”

@ Subhead: Too cool for golf

There’s a distinct group of people who show up despite disliking golf. They drink a lot, they definitely spend more time looking at their own reflection than the course and they say things such as “My dad has a box at the Del Mar Fairgrounds.”

The women wear heels and flirt with anyone who has a pulse, and the guys walk in wolfpacks of six or seven discussing football.

The look: Sunglasses, designer jeans and spiked hair.

What they say: “How ’bout another Bloody Mary?”

@ Subhead: The giveaway whore

If it sounds like Santa’s sleigh is behind you, there’s a giveaway whore in your vicinity.

This is the person who came to the tournament to get free stuff, and damnit they’re getting their money’s worth. They took an armful of free granola bars, filled their pockets with key chains and have a Grey Goose hat for every day of the week.

This is the same jerk that wanders Costco for three hours a day to get samples and reads entire books in the bookstore to save money.

The look: Free neon green backpack full of free neon green backpacks.

What they say: “Score!”

@ Subhead: The elderly

Todd’s take on this group: “They’re old, and they wear visors.” It seems overly simple, but that’s how you’ll find them.

You can see them on every hole, except for the one where Tiger Woods is, because the elderly hate crowds almost as much as they hate that new-fangled rap music.

They’re very talkative and enjoy commenting on every golfer’s swing and calling anyone under the age of 40 “the kid.”

The look: Visor and matching sweatsuit jacket

What they say: “Is that guy in the blue the kid?”

– Devin Kunysz is a marketing senior.

– This column does not necessarily reflect the opinion of The Daily Aztec.