They call Las Vegas “Sin City.” They call Hollywood “Hollyweird.” They call Los Angeles “Lost Angels.” They also call San Diego State “boring,” but that’s irrelevant.
What is relevant is the one thing these cities have in common, the force that holds them together: sex. And why shouldn’t it be?
Everyone is a whore by nature anyway. The only thing keeping you from acting on that instinct is your morals. Through the centuries, religion has preached that sex should be monogamous a sacred bond between a husband and wife. Yet somewhere along the line, people began to equate intercourse with love. Oh, how shallow we are.
Sex has nothing to do with love. It has to do with lust. Any amateur biologist will tell you nature’s only goal is to procreate the species. Then why does it feel so good? So that you’ll want to procreate the species, dumbass.
There is nothing inherently wrong with being a whore, a slut, a sleaze or a stud. There is nothing wrong with seeking pleasure. There is nothing wrong with having multiple partners. The more sex you have, the greater dedication you show to the advancement of the human race.
By spreading your legs or thrusting your hips, you are single-handedly advancing the human race. Of course, by using birth control, you negate the benefits of sex.
The media, the president and your parents tell you that you must practice safe sex. We are told to wear condoms to save our lives. I am telling you not to wear condoms. Is it going to kill you? Probably. But smoking and drinking are going to kill you, too, and you don’t stop doing them. You only live once, so you may as well do the things that make you happy. I’d rather live 40 inebriated, nicotine-addicted, multi-orgasmic years than 100 dry, safe years. And by not using birth control, you sacrifice your life for a greater cause a new human life.
We don’t need gels, condoms, sponges, Norplants and abortions. We don’t need love, monogamy and marriage. We don’t need morals and good sense. We need hardcore, buck-wild, meaningless, dirty sex. We need pornos and prostitutes.
Starring in a porno movie can do wonders for your social life. Little college girls can make their daddy’s trip to the video store a happy one. Little college boys can make their ex-girlfriends jealous having sex with lots of women is much more effective than stalking.
Girls can sleep with guys who’ll part them like the Red Sea. And guys can sleep with girls who’ve been parted like the Red Sea. Aspiring actors can pop that koochie and earn a Screen Actor’s Guild card. Every actor’s r?sum? should include such classics as “Splatman,” “The Madam’s Family,” “Buttman in Rio” and “Moby Dick.”
Don’t worry about what people think of you. If they don’t give you love and support, then they don’t care about you. I know they said they were liberals, but they’re the biggest hypocrites of all. You have to do what makes you happy, sweeties. You have to do what nature intended you to do. You have to have promiscuous sex.
And one of the best ways to get sex is through prostitution. Why should it be illegal to sell what you can give away for free?
Again, the false morality imposed by organized religion is taking control. Ignore it, baby. Don’t let it get to you. A woman who sells her body to a man is in control. It’s not the “john” who’s treating the whore as an object. It’s the whore treating the john like an object. She’s a savvy businesswoman. He’s a lonely putz. Who do you think is in control?
Sex is a powerful tool. It can make you happy, give you cool diseases and expand your horizons. It can promote diversity. The porno industry knows no racial boundaries. All of the best videos feature at least one multi-racial orgy. Society should use this as inspiration. If sex brings people together, then we should start having more sex.
MEChA and the Christian Coalition can get together for a fantastic experience on the border of the Bible Belt. The Afrikan Student Union and the European Studies majors can re-enact the sexual revolutions of Egypt and Greece. And the Associated Students can gain some relevance among the students by debating whether straight sex is better than gay sex (which they then can make into a question on the admissions application).
Have a pitcher at Monty’s, then go for it in the bathroom. Don’t worry about germs in the stall; you’re going to die anyway. Lay a blanket on the grass and pleasure yourself in front of passing students. Sit next to each other in class and start fisting. Just do it. Just go crazy. Release your stress, your anxiety, your inhibitions. Become one with your fellow humans. Satisfy your natural instincts. Be a role model for young children. Be a cast member on “Melrose Place.”
Forget the lessons of religion and your parents. Ignore the politically correct public service announcements. Take off your clothes and prove your worth. Spit in the face of prudes. Lie down and prove your worth. Slap the integrity from the elitists. Make your genitals public property.
Advance the species.
Make me proud.
John Walters is an economics senior who writes a biweekly column on Tuesdays. His e-mail address is johnthe2@aol.com.
