The headline caught my eye like a fishhook.

“Six-pack abs! See results in just nine days!”

With time to kill, waiting for my plane to take off from SFO, I decided to fork over $4.50 for the December 2006 issue of Men’s Health Magazine.

For those of you who’ve never read Men’s Health, it’s more than just a list of workout routines. In addition to the health content, there were articles titled, “The 10-minute seduction,” “Dress for more sex” and “Will she forgive you?”

As a man, I know I need a six-pack. I would have known that without reading Men’s Health. The other articles – well, who wouldn’t like to know what a woman’s thinking?

I plowed through the magazine during the flight. The plane hit the tarmac in San Diego, and, half an hour later, I hit the Aztec Recreation Center. I finished three of torso rotations before I realized what happened.

I’d been tricked, subliminally, into these exercises. Good thing I went to the gym first and not the mall because the tips for what to wear are even more influential than the exercise advice. Men’s Health only costs $4.50, but if your income forces you to eat Top Ramen three times a day, don’t bother buying the magazine. Let’s just say that I don’t have enough, money to recreate Jim Jones “We Just Ballin'” video.

The “Dress for more sex” article had several good tips. Women like a man in a tight pink sweater who carries a messenger bag to organize his belongings, according to the article. First off, the messenger bag is actually a purse, don’t let someone convince you otherwise. Men can only carry two things: wallets and a gun holster. And secondly, if I wanted one, I don’t know where to get those kinds of things. As I type this sentence I’m dressed similarly to Eminem in every scene of “8-Mile.” No worries, though, because Men’s Health gives suggestions on what brands provide the clothes women like.

But the prices are a little ridiculous. The tight sweater ($600), dress shirt ($395) and messenger bag ($750) cost more than $1,500. I don’t think I could get that much for my car. There’s not much of a market for a used 1985 DeLorean.

But at least if I had the money for the clothes, I could use the advice. “Will she forgive you?” is worthless. About the issue of what to do if your girlfriend finds out you have a lap dance, the writer suggested lying. The writer avoided the real issue – that a lap dance should not be a big deal – and suggested that men lie. Women always tell us not to lie, so how could an expert tell me differently?

If you do choose to be swayed by one part of Men’s Health, let it be the 10-minute seduction. Men’s Health says women like deep-voiced men, so when you approach a woman at a bar, you should push out air with your diaphragm. I won’t tell you who I’ve tried to use this tactic around, but I hope she’s noticed that I now sound like Michael Clark Duncan in “The Green Mile.”

But then again, anyone can pick up Men’s Health and lower his voice. We’re a pack of sheep chasing after six packs.

-Joe Giovannetti is a journalism

senior.

-This column does not necessarily reflect the opinion of The Daily Aztec.