For years I wondered why men never had their own televised versionof the Miss USA and Miss America pageants. I’d heard about localpageants for men and the bodybuilding competition, Mr. Universe,butit just wasn’t the same. Finally, in the year 2000, besides theOlympics, men get a real taste of televised competition — pageantstyle.
Well, it’s about time.
Last Monday night, Fox aired the first-ever “Sexiest Bachelor inAmerica Pageant” in Las Vegas. Fifty gorgeous grade-A beefcakesparaded across the stage of the MGM Grand to the delight of anoverwhelmingly female audience.
I wish I could’ve been there for the taping of this!
Comedian Caroline Rhea hosted the pageant, and her open dialoguewith the contestants could’ve put her in court for serious sexualharassment. Additional commentary was provided by Jillian Barberieand Lisa Joyner — a faulty version of Romy and Michelle.
The pageant’s opening consisted of no elaborate performance, suchas those of Miss USA or Miss America; the men merely introducedthemselves by state and occupation in their self-selected outfits andcat calls kept coming.
Competition ranged between an investment banker, a police officer,a martial artist, a teacher, a race car driver, a criminal defenseattorney and of course, enough male models to keep Calvin Klein inbusiness forever.
America’s Adonis’ were judged by an all-female panel: modelRoshumba Williams, Baywatch beauty Nicole Eggert, celebrities DebraWilson, Kristin Alfonso and former Miss USA/Miss Universe Brooke Lee.
With no need for nail biting, the top 10 were announced 15 minutesinto the program.
In random order they were:
Mr. Arizona — imagine the Marlboro Man who never really smoked;
Mr. Missouri — a dead ringer for Enrique Iglesias;
Mr. Oregon — O-O-Ohhh is for Oregon;
Mr. North Dakota — reminded me of this guy I used to date (but hehad black hair);
Mr. Illinois — one of “America’s finest” who can strip search meanytime;
Mr. Idaho — could’ve been a distant cousin of Lance from ‘N Sync;
Mr. Louisiana — his last name is Dickens;
Mr. Oklahoma — cute but cocky;
Mr. New Jersey — not sure how he snuck in there;
Mr. Virginia — his students must love attending class.
As competition grew stiffer, to determine the top five, eachcontestant was judged on how they responded to two sexually-explicitquestions and how impressive they looked in swimsuits of theirchoice.
The contestants were asked questions that would shock even DonaldTrump — or maybe not. For instance, Mr. Illinois was asked, “Afterhow many dates is it appropriate to be intimate with your date?” OrMr. Missouri’s, “What would you tell a female friend who offers yousex?” Better yet, Mr. Arizona’s, “What is the most sensual part of awoman and would you have sex with a celebrity if you knew yourgirlfriend wouldn’t find out?” I believe Mr. Virginia answered bestwhen he was asked, “Where is the most provocative place you’ve hadsex?” Tactfully and suavely, he explained he was a southern gentlemanand believed that sex any place is provocative.
Yes, I guiltily admit I especially enjoyed the swimsuitcompetition. For the audiences’ viewing pleasure, the contestantsgyrated those hips and flexed their beautiful, bulging biceps. Allthe guys, except Mr. New Jersey, opted for the longer, relaxed-fitshorts. I give Mr. Arizona the Most Simple Swimsuit award for hisdenim selection. Overall, I admit Mr. Illinois had me drooling. Bestin Swimsuit goes to him for all that definition.
And then there were five: Mr. Virginia, Mr. Illinois, Mr.Louisiana, Mr. Arizona and Mr. North Dakota. With all previous scoreserased, each finalist was given a fair shot at winning the medal. Thefinal phase of judging included a slow dance with a random lady fromthe audience and two final questions, each weighing 50 percent of thecontestants’ score.
Slow dancing with a complete stranger didn’t seem toouncomfortable for each fellow. Mr. Louisiana even sang to his luckylady!
The final questions remained to determine who would win the medal,the trophy, $100,000 in cash and prizes and the illustrious title of”The Sexiest Bachelor in America!” Each contestant came out one byone to answer, “What is the most difficult part of a successfulrelationship” and “How would you propose to the woman of yourdreams?”
While four out of five answered open communication as the mostdifficult part of maintaining a relationship, the best answers againcame from Mr. Virginia. He would surprise the woman of his dreams byproposing to her at one of his high school’s basketball games (whichhe also announces).
Sigh.
Well, you guessed it, the lucky guy crowned “The Sexiest Bachelorin America” was Mr. Virginia! According to the Virginian-Pilot, hestill doesn’t have a girlfriend.
Stay tuned until next year!
–Cheryl Daen is a political science junior. Send e-mail todaletter2000@hotmail.com
–This column does not necessarily reflect the opinion of TheDaily Aztec.
