Conservatives. They’re sure fun, aren’t they? Wouldn’t it be greatto be one? Think of all the fun stuff you could do! You could stealthe pensions of your employees and hide the money in offshoreaccounts (don’t feelbad, if they were as smart as you are, they’d be stealing too). Youcould support the construction of impossibly complicated missiledefense shields (sure they’re unnecessary, given the nature of modernconflict, but Reagan said we should do it and that guy kicked ass).You could make more money than 98 percent of the world’s population,and still complain about how much you have to pay in taxes(seriously, you had to buy the BMW 745i instead of the 745Li for yourwife’s birthday; that’s no way to live).
It’s ever so clear: If you’re not a conservative, you’re missingout! So here, for the very first time, is a three-step program youcan use in the comfort of your own home to make yourself asconservative as possible.
1. Ignore obvious information that contradicts your standpoint.This is a conservative must-do. It works like this: If there is apiece of information that makes complete and total sense, would beobvious to a chimpanzee and wholly undermines your position, justignore it.
Forexample, when someone says to you, “But Britain instituted a totalban on handguns, and as a result, they have a handgun murder ratethat’s 1.1 percent of ours adjusted for population,” reply, “Gunsdon’t kill people, people do.” Your liberal opponents will be sostunned by your incredible intellect that they will simply throw uptheir hands and walk away, shaking their heads at your genius.
2. Be as hypocritical as possible. The well-structured hypocrisyis a hallmark of conservatism. This can be strenuous for the rationalmind, so you should definitely start out easy. Justify the purchaseof a huge, gas-guzzling, ozone-destroying SUV by saying that you’re anature-lover who needs that four-wheel drive to get to your favoritecampsite.
Once you’ve got that one down, move up to something that makes alittle less sense. Claim that the best thing about America is theliberty it affords its citizens. Then, when the ACLU fights for afreedom you don’t agree with, say that they’re undermining Americawith their politically correct bulls**t.
If that doesn’t throw you, step on up. Maintain that abortion iswrong, even in cases where the child is going to be born to an unfitteenage mother, and then refuse to contribute tax dollars toorphanages or welfare to support the child whose life you “saved.”
At this point, you’ll have hit the big leagues of conservativehypocrisy: The sky’s the limit. Try killing an abortion doctor so hecan’t kill anyone.
3. Avoid compassion. For a reason that has yet to be identified bymodern science, conservatives are entirely unable to feel compassion.The plight of the homeless is, to the conservative, the bums’ ownfault. The single parent or unemployed family does not deserve anytax dollars under a program like Aid to Families with DependentChildren. Criminals merit only punishment, never rehabilitation.
Indeed, if you are around conservatives, and you catch yourselfstarting to feel compassionate about something, you should quell thefeeling as quickly as possible. To cover, make one of the followingstatements: “You’ll get this gun when you pry it from my cold, deadhands;” “Goddamn that PETA, what a buncha hippies;” or “NASCARrocks!”
3a. Please note, there is one important exception to the “nocompassion” rule: unborn children. All the compassion thatconservatives don’t expend on other things is apparently channeledtoward in-womb babies. Feeling compassionate will probably make youuncomfortable, however, so as soon as the kid is born, you can goright back to not caring about it.
So there you have it — just three easy steps. Practice these, andbefore you know it, you’ll be a bona fide conservative too.
See you at the country club!
–Charles Crawford is an information and decision systems seniorand the opinion editor for The Daily Aztec.
–This column does not necessarily reflect the opinion of TheDaily Aztec. Send e-mail to letters@thedailyaztec.com.Anonymous letters will not be printed — include your full name,major and year in school.
