The special time of year that helps signify the start of spring is finally upon us. The sun is shining, the grass is green and I’m paying $8.50 for just one bottle of Coors Light. It’s that time when you see diving catches, walk-off homeruns and the occasional streaking fan. That’s right people, it’s baseball season.
And even though it’s just spring training right now, I can’t help but get excited for the upcoming season. How couldn’t you? You might not notice at first, but its subtle nuances will start to develop. For instance, being from the Bay, I’m starting to wear my beloved Giants hat almost every day now. I’m also finding myself watching John Kruk instead of Jon Stewart every night. And during the season, my diet mainly consists of beer, sunflower seeds, Human Growth Hormones and garlic fries. I call it the Canseco Combo.
Things really pick up when the actual season starts in April. Who doesn’t like going to a ball game? Lame people, that’s who. It’s hella fun and yes, hella is a word. There are certain things one can only experience at a baseball game.
It starts the moment you stumble off that “booze cruise” that is the trolley ride to the park. After you kill the last few swigs left in your “special” water bottle, you can’t help but smile as you navigate your way through the scattered hobos and boisterous scalpers on your way into the stadium.
Once in, aside from being awestruck by the natural beauty a ball field possesses, you take in the scenery surrounding you. You’ll see people cheering, some holding signs supporting their team and others completely ripping random players a new a**hole. These are my favorite people at games: the hecklers. They are hilarious and they’re clever, too. They do their homework. They’ll bring up any kind of hurtful factoid from a player’s past if they feel it will help their team. I’ve heard a guy clown on a player for not only getting cheated on by his wife but also for contracting hemorrhoids when he was 10. Classy. And they’ll yell it louder than Billy Mays during an infomercial to make sure they hear “em. Thank God for those guys. Actually, all thanks should go to the overpriced liquid courage the stadium supplies.
Without which, these beloved hecklers wouldn’t have become a staple of our national pastime.
Or what about the infamous JumboTron? It’s for more than stats and replays. That glorious big screen has delivered such classics as “the guy getting dissed on the “Kiss Cam'” and the frustrating “Cap Dance” (the always popular video where fans follow a ball placed under one of three shuffling hats). And you can’t forget about all the overweight, middle-aged people they show dancing during the seventh-inning stretch. Priceless.
After having enjoyed six or so innings, the time comes where you need to hit the always-crowded bathroom. But thanks to the brew, you ignore the awkwardness of peeing next to 20 dudes into the same aluminum trough. Hell, I’ve struck up decent conversations with those people before keeping my eyes forward of course.
Sadly, the game eventually has to come to an end. Whether your team wins or loses, it doesn’t really matter. You were out with friends all day, having a good time watching your favorite team play. Plus, you got completely hammered and yelled obscenities at professional athletes in the presence of women and young children. Let’s play ball.
8212;Kevin Scannell is an English senior and loves to say hella.
8212;This column does not necessarily reflect the opinion of The Daily Aztec.
