Every day, we make monumental decisions that impact the rest of our lives. it’s even worse as a college student: choosing a major, professor or even a seat in class can have major lifelong ramifications mere mortals cannot hope to comprehend.
In this complex web of decision-making, the importance of one choice stands above all others: selecting which beer to drink. it’s a choice that can alter your life in profound ways. it’s not just about what you put in your body—your beer choice proclaims who you are and what you believe in.
Data from a Scarborough Research study indicates beer preferences can even determine political leanings. according to the study, Corona drinkers are among the most democratic and least likely to vote. Republicans tend to favor Coors Light and Blue Moon.
The Daily Aztec understands choosing a beer can be daunting experience, with equal parts of art and science. to help our readers make the right choice, we’ve created this handy quiz. Follow it and you won’t go wrong.
What best describes your taste in music?
1 pt. A mix between electronic and 14th century Finnish folk.
2 pts. The pan flute of the Peruvian people.
3 pts. all reggae music, but only if it’s written by people with the last name Marley.
4 pts. the dueling banjos from deliverance.
5 pts. Richard Wagner set to black and white footage of soldiers marching.
Which of the following best describes your political preferences?
1 pt. “i like Karl Marx. i mean, have you seen the man’s beard? it’s glorious.”
2 pts. “the government must take from the rich to feed the poor organic tofu.”
3 pts. “you know, if we legalized marijuana, the budget would be balanced, iran would stop building a nuclear bomb and everyone would be able to get married, man.”
4 pts. “Keep your doggone hippie government out of my church and gun cabinet. also, keep those Medicare and Social Security checks coming.” 5 pts. “if the poor don’t starve to death, they’ll never learn the value of hard work.”
What is (was) your major in college?
1 pt. Photography, with an emphasis in Photoshop.
2 pts. Philosophy, with minors in womens, chicano, africana, lGBt and other minority studies.
3 pts. Undecided.
4 pts. Gunsmithing and “moonshine.”
5 pts. Business administration with an emphasis in outsourcing and downsizing.
Which of the following best describes your religion?
1 pt. “ironic Pastafarian, but don’t tell my parents.”
2 pts. “atheist, but i don’t want to offend anyone of any religion.”
3 pts. “Whichever religion allows me to drink and only demands token Facebook support.”
4 pts. “Jesus as my personal savior and co-pilot.”
5 pts. “ayn Rand-brand christianity.”
Now add up your points to see which beer you should drink.
0-6 points: Put a Nico album on your vinyl record player, kick off your penny loafers and crack open a Pabst Blue Ribbon tall Boy. Sure, the taste isn’t spectacular, but it’s cheap and it’ll look great on instagram.
7-10 points: you have a liberal heart and it bleeds for the needy. if you want a beer while listening to NPR, get a cold corona. it’s refreshing and you’ll be able to find it when you join the Peace corps and go to latin america.
11-14 points: elections? Who cares? definitely not you, so buy a 36- pack of Key Stone light and turn on the Xbox. if you’re lucky, you’ll have six years of college to perfect your beer pong skills.
15-18 points: you love america and you need a beer to match. What better than an ice-cold Bud light? it’s the perfect companion to those long nights wishing you had your truck, your dog and your girl back.
19-20 points: you’re rich, powerful, white and your beer should let everyone around you know it. have your manservant bring you a Miller high life, “the champagne of beers.” its not the most expensive option, but it’ll give you a taste of the Mitt Romney everyman.
