London Calling: I’ve been studying abroad in London for an entire semester and have kept in contact with a close friend at home throughout the trip. Our friendship developed into a deeper relationship while we were apart. However, when I came back to the states and went on a date with her, I didn’t feel any chemistry between us. From the constant flirting, hair flipping, eyelash fluttering and annoying giggles coming at me from across the dinner table, she evidently felt differently about me. What would be the best way to tell her I would like to remain just friends, without completely ruining the friendship that we had before?
Love Guru: Chemistry is a tricky subject. Because you intend to remain friends, make sure that you let her down like a gentleman. By that, I mean in person, not via text; and don’t even think about leaving a Post-it note on her front door saying, “Thanks, but no thanks.” Set up a time for the two of you to hangout (make sure to clarify that it’s just a hangout). This is important and will save her the time and embarrassment of getting pretty for you and showing up in a new dress. Tell her she’s important to you, and that you would like to remain friends but want to keep it at
just that.
Paranoia Paradigm: My boyfriend and I are getting pretty serious and I’m getting nervous. I was cheated on in my last relationship and I’m afraid it’ll happen again. I guess I have trust issues and I find myself looking at his Facebook profile all the time. I’m thinking of asking for his password, but I don’t know if
I should.
Love Guru: It’s natural for everyone to feel a bit nervous when a relationship becomes serious. I bet your boyfriend is as nervous as you are. The both of you decided to make the move because you both thought it was a relationship that could blossom. Now, it’s not fair to compare this relationship with your last one, but having those scars from past letdowns is understandable. The best thing you can do is talk about your fears with your boyfriend. Opening yourself up to him will allow your boyfriend to help you heal, but asking for his Facebook password as a way of making yourself feel better won’t help anybody. This will only feed your anxieties. You have to remember trust is a behavior you learn through time, it’s not an emotion you can get rid of with a snap of your fingers. Have patience and believe in your judgment. Getting out of the victim mentality and into a positive one is what you need to work on at the moment. So log off Facebook and steer the relationship where you want it to go because you don’t want to lose the possibility of a long-term relationship.
Two-time Trouble: I just found out my boyfriend was cheating on me a month into our relationship, which is at the eight-month mark now. I know we weren’t as serious back then, but it’s still hurtful. Should I stay with him?
Love Guru: No. In fact, cut the ties tonight. Whether it was the first or eighth month, cheating is cheating. The foundation of a relationship sets the tone for how it will play out down the line. If homeboy couldn’t keep his hands in his pockets the first month, then what will encourage him to do so in the eighth? What’s worse, if you’re just now finding out about his lady dabbling, it means he has been hiding it from you this entire time. Now that’s just an untrustworthy and dishonest can of worms. In the end, it all comes down to that good, old R-E-S-P-E-C-T and any man who doesn’t think you’re sufficient as a partner should pack his bags. You deserve better. Terminate this relationship pronto, turn on some Destiny’s Child and go out dancing with your girlfriends.
Lost in Translation: I met a guy about a month ago at an event. We really hit it off, and we’ve been texting each other a lot. We’ve met up a few times and so far it has been fun. He just got out of a relationship, so I know he’s not ready for anything serious. I’m not either, but I find myself thinking about him a lot. The problem is, just when I think we’re having a good time he will go quiet for a few days and seem uninterested. Am I thinking too much into this? I know he’s busy, but I can’t help but feel like he’s giving me mixed signals.
Love Guru: Guys are wired completely different than girls. They do not read into texts nearly as closely as ladies (who often enlist BFFs to decode text messages). That being said, I wouldn’t worry so much if everything is going well when you are together. The truth is, he could have lingering feelings for his ex. But if things start going well between you two, his past relationship will matter less and less to both of you. Since you aren’t ready for a relationship anyway, don’t sweat the little things and just take things slow and see what happens.
