It’s time for our primitive days of driving cars to come to an end. Throughout this past century, our poor planet has become littered with more than a billion of these obnoxious, antiquated machines—arguably a billion too many. This overabundance of steel debris has turned our world into an immense network of superhighways, an endless concrete web that can transport you anywhere—but with seemingly no way to avert. Our switch to a better form of transportation is long overdue. For if there was anything Henry Ford was ingenious in mass-producing, it was irony, as the car is simultaneously both the most terrifyingly treacherous and the most mundanely monotonous aspect of our lives. If we don’t repossess the peace of mind we once had, these preposterous four-wheeled rocket boxes will eventually drive society toward its very breakdown.
As the sun comes up each morning, we rise from our slumbers, adorn ourselves with clothing, stuff our gullets and start our engines. Before we’ve even awake enough to get the crust out of our eyes, we’re on the road screaming across a sea of cement at death-defying speeds, hurriedly weaving in and out of a swarm of two-ton metal behemoths, constantly inches away from total obliteration. Even now this colossal demolition derby is taking place, like a never-ending tournament of gladiatorial pinball. Yet as we fly through the air in these vehicular missiles—next to a barrage of countless others streaking past us from the complete opposite direction—nothing else in life could possibly fill us with such overwhelming boredom and malaise.
As if balancing on the constant brink of death isn’t entertaining enough, we have to fill the void by playing the “ABC game.” “Abalone … abalone, bonobo … abalone, bonobo, craisins…” We also try to distract truck drivers—the methamphetamine-railing insomniacs on the verge of unconsciousness who can flatten any surrounding cars with their 50-foot behemoths—so that they’ll take their secure grip off the wheel to playfully honk their horns. What fun! If that wasn’t enough, we even play the license plate game, where the driver attempts to prevent the car from careening off of a cliff as the passengers—upon sight of an out-of-state plate—punch his or her right arm into paralysis. Perhaps cars have airbags installed so that players have something to hit when the game comes to an end.
With today’s technological innovation, surely we could switch to a different mode of transportation with at least a few drops of security and amusement. Sure, there are other forms of transportation, but unfortunately, they are also severely inadequate for the world of today. For nothing could be more hazardous than the current public transit system with its dreadful selection of buses, trolleys, trams and trains. Just trying to find a seat on any one of them requires playing “the floor is lava” game where you attempt to avoid a deadly sea of syringes and broken glass by hopping from one blacked-out bum to the next. Meanwhile, boredom strikes again as everyone aboard seems to be afflicted with autism. (Has it gone airborne?) Helpless to wipe the blank expressions off of their vacuous faces just to exchange a half-neighborly “hello,” it seems all passengers are celebrating another one of those days of silence. Except of course for the guy in the adjacent row, unknowingly broadcasting the latest Nickelback album from his headphones for all passengers to endure.
For these reasons and countless others, I propose the following solution to this much-dreaded journey from point A to point B.
Roller coasters.
To get our society back on track, we must harvest everything from Audis to Zipcars to accumulate the raw materials needed for a roller coaster utopia. With the minimal friction of polyurethane-coated wheels on tubular steel, this overlooked evolution in transportation can reach speeds as fast as 149.1 mph—more than double our measly 65 mph highway speed limit. If this superior agility isn’t reason enough, the roller coaster also brings forth a heightened level of security. The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration calculated that between 1994-2004, 462,495 people died from automobile-related accidents within the U.S. The 1994-2004 statistics for roller coaster-related deaths in the U.S. racks up to just 40—less than 0.01 percent than death by the automobile. By removing the dangers of driver errors, we can make the world a safer, more efficient place. As for the public transit issue of hobos and heroin needles, a few vertical loops should take care of that.
Another major perk of the roller coaster is that it is deafeningly loud. The monotonous silence of today will soon be swept away by the adrenaline-fueled screaming of tomorrow. No longer will our socially retarded society have to stare at cellphone screens in fear of possible face-to-face conversations. No longer will it ever be quiet enough to play mundane word games. No longer will we be forced to hear the abominable music of our neighbors … good riddance, Nickelback.
We could exist in a world where the ride to work drops at a 90-degree angle, skyrockets back up and gloriously twists into an interlocking corkscrew inversion. So let loose and throw those newly liberated hands up in the air, for never again will our arms ever grow sore—there won’t be a license plate in sight.
