Scared in San Diego: I’m having problems initiating conversation with guys I’m interested in. How can I show that I’m interested but not come off too strong?
Love Guru: It can be scary approaching someone you don’t know, but you need to boost your confidence and not take it too seriously. If you never try talking to someone, you’ll never know if there’s chemistry. So, it can’t hurt trying. Don’t have high expectations going in. I’d start off by making eye contact and smiling at the guy. Don’t be too eager about trying to talk to him. When you do approach him, a good ice breaker is a compliment or a question. If you’re at a party, ask him who he knows there or what grade he’s in. Don’t panic about what you’re going to say next because it could make you lose focus on the answers he gives you. Pay attention to what he’s saying and try to build off of it. No one wants to play 20 Questions upon first meeting. Girls, taking initiative is attractive. But once you start the conversation, don’t come off too strong by suggesting you hang out. Give him your number, put the ball in his court and let him go from there.
Ex-posed: One of my ex-boyfriends sent me a text on Valentine’s Day of a valentine card. We have a ton of history between us. Does this qualify as sending mixed signals? If so, how do I deal with it?
Love Guru: This is a classic example of sending mixed signals. Why would he go out of his way to send you an electronic card on Valentine’s Day (of all days) if he doesn’t want something from you? He most likely did this to try and initiate further conversation. A move such as this is nearly always made with ulterior motives. I have two suggestions regarding how to deal with this conundrum. First, try to ignore it completely. Think of the text message as dandruff—brush it off your shoulder and forget about it. (I don’t think you have dandruff. The reference was for analogical purposes only). Sometimes, being able to take things for what they are can get you out of an emotional jam. My second suggestion is to talk it out. I know you probably don’t want to hear this guy’s voice again, so stick to texting. Talking about this may initially increase the level of awkwardness between you, but not talking about it will only raise that level with time. What if he sends you another ambiguous picture? You need to make sure that doesn’t happen again by communicating with him.
Puzzling Pursuit: I seem to have a recurring problem that I can’t figure out the solution to. Why is it that every guy I am into doesn’t seem to like me back? Not only that, but it’s always the guys I’m not attracted to romantically that are the ones pursuing me. I really don’t get it. Is it some kind of cosmic karma or am I doing something wrong? Love Guru, what gives?
Love Guru: Hold up there, girl. Without knowing anything about the guys you are dating, I can already sense what’s going on. If every guy that you like doesn’t return your feelings, it might be that you are going after the same kind of men. While you may have a “type” you say you pursue, it could be more than that. Typically, people tend to follow some sort of pattern when choosing their dating partners. There’s usually a reason behind those choices. Without getting too “Dr. Phil” on the subject, all I suggest is that you figure out why you seem to be attracted to these same guys. If it hasn’t worked out with one of them in the past, you may want to analyze your own behavior to see why things are going south. As for the ones who lust for your heart unreciprocated, why haven’t you given any of them a chance? Clearly you receive male attention, and for one reason or another you seemingly brush them aside. Instead of chasing after those who don’t return your affection, you should branch out to explore other dating prospects out there. While these other guys may not catch your eye initially or send butterflies soaring into your heart, they are showing interest. It doesn’t hurt to go out on a date every once in a while! Sometimes, it’s more worthwhile to consider those who are giving you attention and ignore the ones who are not. Who knows? You just might find that you develop a connection where you never thought possible.
Bro Betrayal: My friend just broke up with his girl, someone that I’ve always kind of had a thing for. They had been together for a while. It’s been a few months now, and in that time I’ve discovered that I actually really like this girl and want my chance to date her. Would I be breaking the “bro-code” if I asked her out?
Love Guru: Dude, it doesn’t matter if they hadn’t seen each other for two weeks. If they were once an item and you know your friend had strong feelings for this girl, it’s just plain disrespectful to go after her now that they aren’t together anymore. It may sound cliché, but relationships come and go and friendships are ultimately what last. You should consider the value of friendship with your buddy, before going after someone who might still be a sore subject for him. Though they are no longer dating, it would still be considered a betrayal because the breakup is fresh. Despite this current situation, it won’t last forever. Eventually, your friend will move on and if you still want to date the lady down the road, there might come a time when you can pursue her. Technically, this girl is not your friend’s property, and it would be a waste for you not to let her know how you feel in case she felt the same way. As for the future, it may work itself out, and the opportunity for you to explore your feelings could arise. If it’s meant to be for the two of you, it’ll happen. But for now, it’s hands-off.
Dollar Dilemma: My girlfriend expects me to take her on dates every week. Her last boyfriend had a lot of money and I feel like I can’t compare. She acts like it’s not a big deal, but I can tell she
is frustrated.
Love Guru: First of all, kudos for realizing she’s frustrated. You would be amazed how many guys miss those hints. Her ex is an ex for a reason, so clearly money isn’t everything. However, being broke is not an excuse to be boring. You live in San Diego—get creative! Go to Balboa Park, Seaport Village or Mission Beach. Maybe you can’t afford a five-course dinner every weekend, but be sure to save up some cash for special occasions. Your girl shouldn’t expect you to spend money you don’t have, but try and at least do something outside the house. Surely your broke self can at least spring for some frozen yogurt to share.
Frantic Fizzle: Lately my girlfriend has lost some of the spark that I find so attractive about her. She doesn’t seem as enthusiastic about things as she normally does. I want to change this and help her get that sparkle back. What should I do?
Love Guru: To me, it sounds like your girl may be getting bored. So, our question is, what is she bored of? It could be many things. Her work, school routine or the same TV shows you watch together are just a few examples of what could be getting boring for her. Your job requires two things. First, ask her about it. Tell her you notice a difference in her mannerisms and the way she’s handling herself. If she gives you a specific answer, hope it’s something that you can fix. Secondly, you need to mix things up. Rearrange a room or take her out somewhere she’s never been before. If she’s into the hopeless romantic gig, use that to your advantage and go slightly over-the-top for one date night. Ladies love surprises, so do something spontaneous and fun for her, such as having dinner ready when she comes home. On a final note, it can never hurt to change things up in the bedroom. Good
luck, dude.
