The wingman is among the most valiant humanitarians to grace the planet. He is the conqueror of mortal instinct, the facilitator of mammalian courtship and the purveyor of his comrade’s sleepless nights to remember.
The truly gifted wingman is a rare and cunning specimen. His pursuit is entirely selfless. It involves no personal incentive, no immediate reward, no cuddling and, by virtue, no aim for getting any of his own. He is a master in the art of seduction, though he seduces incognito, and yields results only on behalf of his brethren.
Rule No. 1 among wingmen is to not seem as awesome as his friend. Even if the wingman is better looking, better spoken or better than his buddy in general, he must refrain from revealing this by downplaying his own attributes and highlighting those of his friend. Doing so is not always easy, especially if the friend is a hound (oftentimes, hounds are the ones who need a wingman most).
A good wingman must forgo the ego entirely. To successfully disguise himself as the lesser of the duo, a wingman must do things such as dress abnormally dorky, pretend he has a girlfriend, pretend his friend is a rock star and refrain from wearing antiperspirant. OK … maybe the last one is too much. But by understating his own radness, the wingman places his friend on center stage and can then work to make the audience swoon over him. He is the engine behind the wheel, so to speak, the ninja / godfather who lurks in the shadows, overseeing and guiding the night toward his friend’s success.
There are a few other key skills involved in being this genuine archetype of altruism. Foremost is the wingman’s ability to deflect the target’s defense, whomever it may be. There is a common phrase in wingman terminology for said defense, and it rhymes with “schmock flock” (think rooster, think cube). The wingman foils this foe by downplaying the obvious intentions of his counterpart, charming the rooster cube into submission and sacrificing himself for the greater cause. Rooster cubes take many forms, and there are a variety of tactics in the wingman’s arsenal to meet the variety of femme force fields.
One of the most common defenses wingmen encounter involves the jealous, nagging, often downright angry best friend. She is typically ill-mannered, has a loud, obnoxious voice, wheezes when she breathes, smells like a man, throws dagger eyes and sucks the focus of the entire pack. This gorilla is paired with the hottest woman in the establishment. For the wingman, conquering it is more of an exercise in maintaining dignity than being a good friend. It’s the kamikaze-co-captain-counterattack for the queen of all rooster cubes. Wingmen refer to this maneuver as “jumping on the live grenade.” The ultimate sacrifice — take down the turkey, and your man shall have his way.
Another friend of the target presents even more danger to the mission than the aforementioned she-monster. She is the empowered Daria, the ugly-older-sister type, the one who never felt the splendor of love and doesn’t want her friend to either. This self-appointed gatekeeper never leaves her friend’s side and makes a point of voicing her allegiance. In wingman terminology, she is known as the Mother Hen. Luring this guard dog from its post takes careful coaxing and smooth, flattering dialog and is a crucial element in the art of pickups. Mastering the Mother Hen is often the wingman’s main objective.
There exists a secret to the art of the wingman relatively unacknowledged among the community. The best wingman is not a wingman at all, but a wingwoman. An attractive, objective lady-friend has power that no man can match. The wingwoman makes the target feel comfortable around her potential suitor by displaying his capabilities with female friends. She has the ability to befriend the target then make it jealous of the guy’s attention. Most importantly, a hot wingwoman inherently makes any guy look cooler. Chicks dig men with hotties — it’s science. When in doubt, a sexy female sidekick with a mission in mind always benefits the chances.
We owe the world, or at least our virginities, to our friend the wingman. His altruistic endeavor demands devout loyalty, relentless willpower and a genuine love for his compatriot. He is the reason you might get laid tonight. He is Maverick’s Goose, Batman’s Robin, and Bush’s Dick (Cheney). All hail the wingman.
